Discussed Arashi tonight with lovely animesoc girls and reminded myself of how much I love this band.

Had one of those days where I've just felt kinda crappy all day. The jobs listed today were all for really technical jobs like engineers or paralegal/legal jobs which are completely WAY out of my field. Lovely housemate has emailed her recruitment firm for me to recommend me so I'm going to send them my email in the morning and then give them a call in the afternoon.

I just feel really disheartened and lonely and since I've come back from home, all I want to do is move back home. Which came completely out of left field really but the more I think about it...I think it's just because I'm always really concerned about my family and with both Mama and Papa D being diagnosed with high blood pressure and things, it just makes me really worry. And I want to be with my parents and get really annoyed at them for being tits and just get hugs from my mum when I want them and someone to play Rockband with.

I don't know whether I'm just having a delay in processing this year or I'm just in a slump but I rang my mum tonight and ended just having a bit of a weep on the phone to her. Which then I felt guilty for and apologised for because I didn't want to worry her. But all I really wanted was a hug from my mummy.

So I might just organise a few days home with the money my mum gave me for Christmas. I just. I don't want to feel this way. So I've been playing "Batman: Arkham Asylum" and I'm going back around the game and collecting all the Riddler things to try and stop thinking about iut. But. Well.

I'm sorry for whining. Have a picture of a cool as fuck cat.

So, the weather around the UK at the minute is absolutely shocking. You would honestly think it's the End of Days with the way the wind's howling and the rain's pouring. It's bollocks, quite frankly. And even more bollocks because our housemate discovered that the bay window in our living room, where our electronics and TV are, is leaking. From the roof. >:| We're giving the handyman of the house a call tomorrow as the weather is so bad and there's not much you can do with a leak whilst it's still raining.

Good times!

I spent a lot of today just going through jobsites and applying for jobs. It is more than a little soul-destroying as I know that I'm more than qualified for these jobs but I just don't have what the ads deem as "necessary experience." Bum. It's making me kinda antsy because I'm not doing any work with FancyDressQueen at the minute and the longer it takes me to get back into the workplace, the more I get all nervous and caught up about it. Guh >:|

In other news I gave myself a ~SECRET!RESOLUTION~ which isn't really that secret, but it was about reading every day before bed. Which I have been doing! I'm currently reading Simon Pegg's autobiography which I'm enjoying but hasn't captivated me as much as I hoped. But I'm only 80 pages into it so we'll see!

Have another picture to finish off this wet and windy Wednesday whilst I start watching "Battle Royale." Can you believe I've never seen this movie? Only little snippets here and there. FOR SHAME. I read the book whilst I was at home - got all 5/600 pages done in about 4 days which has sparked my desire for watching! :)

I have nothing to post, my head is all a pleasant mush after Pilates except now we're watching the Sweedish version of "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo" and certain scenes are making me feel quite distressed.

So have a nice picture instead



I really need a Batman tag

So my plan was to go into Leeds and just wander around, enjoying the Bank Holiday. And I didn't because I am lazy. So I have been sitting online for nearly 6 hours, alternating between 9Gag, downloading Opera (Firefox just will not allow me to stream video without freezing every 30 seconds) and looking at jobs. Yes, jobs. I am being all responsible, aren't we all proud!

I also signed up for a Dreamwidth account because it seems like a lot of friends are getting dual journals/abandoning LJ after the latest palava with the commenting changes so I am there as Klena. Let me know if you guys are over there.

Then I created my 2012 resolutions. Most of them are quite grown up - get a job by the end of this month, start paying off my student loan, look at pension schemes, visit home more often. But there are creative things there too. I have one for my soul as well. But I think the best one I've decided upon is:

You know that confident, ballsy, "Fuck 'em", good looking young woman that people keep telling you they see? You are that person. Try not to forget it.

On New Years Eve a friend from Anime Soc told me she had had a little bit to drink but wanted to admit to me that when she met me, she had a crush on me because I was confident and secure in myself and wasn't afraid to stand up for myself/things I believed in. I was so flattered! And I forget that a lot, that the person I am socially is also me. I like her a lot, she's fun. And powerful. And people around me like her so I am going to remember that I'm fucking smart and silly and powerful and confident.

Even if I don't, fuck it. Fake it 'til you make it.

So, as Death Cab for Cutie sang, it's the new year. 2012 is upon us which is great because a really good chunk of 2011 seriously sucked dick. There were a lot of questions about almost everything in my life, including my mental health and my coping abilities.

However, I made it through the year. I've got a lot of work to do this year. I need to spend more of it away from Dave. Not because I don't love him, I really do, but I'm always quite close to that "I could strangle you" boundary because I spend something like 80% of my week with him. Yes, really, we live together and work together and spend most of our nights together. Which sometimes is amazing. Othertimes, I just want to be living on my own in a house I've decorated by myself and doing exactly what I do or don't want to do with my evenings.

But that's relationships. Just before my birthday (and hey, yeah, I'm totally 25 now - first quarter of a century over me! I will accept all rounds of applause) I redrafted my CV and applied for a bunch of jobs. My aim is to have one before January is over, although I know how hard things are in this climate.

But I am getting ahead of myself! This is my first post of 2012 just to let everyone know that I made it out alive as apparently every Twitter crossposting service I used over the course of the year have just died. And none of my Tweets were shipping over so anyone who hasn't/doesn't follow me on Twitter probably thinks this is an abandoned journal. It's not, I promise! Also, our internet and phoneline went down the day after I got home so I was an entire 10 days without any of the internet. Oh the internet, it's strange how I both did and did not miss you!

I will recap Christmas and all that jazz tomorrow, I think, as I have photos and stuff to put up including just thoughts I want to get out but for now, I just want to say this:

I hope you had an amazing festive season, with loved ones or having adventures or having a quiet family affair. You all still mean so much to me, even though I am so absent, but you are all still always in my thoughts. I love you. Let's make this year glorious ♥

The New Higher

You meant more than life to me. I lived through
you not knowing, not knowing I was living.
I learned that you called for me. I came to where
you were living, up a stair. There was no one there.
No one to appreciate me. The legality of it
upset a chair. Many times to celebrate
we were called together and where
we had been there was nothing there,
nothing that is anywhere. We passed obliquely,
leaving no stare. When the sun was done muttering,
in an optimistic way, it was time to leave that there.

Blithely passing in and out of where, blushing shyly
at the tag on the overcoat near the window where
the outside crept away, I put aside the there and now.
Now it was time to stumble anew,
blacking out when time came in the window.
There was not much of it left.
I laughed and put my hands shyly
across your eyes. Can you see now?
Yes I can see I am only in the where
where the blossoming stream takes off, under your window.
Go presently you said. Go from my window.
I am half in love with your window I cannot undermine
it, I said.

-- John Ashbury