HO SHIT SON!!!!!

I was going to post a sappy Christmas message but instead I think I'll just transpose this text I got from my darling Libby last night

I wish you peace, love and health blah blah blah. Fuck that shit. I wish you lots of sex, alcohol, orgasms and hope you win the fucking lottery. Merry Christmas

1. FIRST NAME:
Kathryn! originally from the Greek 'Katheros' meaning pure. Allegedly. I find this mean to be absolutely hilarious, you have no idea

2. AGE:
23, yo! Technically 23 and 5 days.

3. LOCATION:
Currently, the half-assed snowy wastelands of N.Ireland but for the majority of my year it is ♥Leeds♥

4. OCCUPATION:
Student welching off the government in order to attain an completely useless degree. Awesome

5. PARTNER?:
Without getting into technical arguments, I would say yes. His name is Dave. :)

6. KIDS:
Adopted kids all over the shop! Between kids I babysit and my Libby's little girl Faith (who is actually the cutest baby on the face of the EARTH good lord. But no actual children. It is probably for the best if I do not continue my genetics. Can you imagine how freaky they would be??

7. BROTHERS/SISTERS:
Gots myself a little-big blood bro by the name of Matt. He's 21, higher functioning autistic and possibly one of the kindest, considerate people I know. I would kill for him. Honest to god, I would shank bitches with no remorse if they did something to my little bro >|

Emotionally, I've got a couple of adopted sisters and brothers. Pretty much if you spend any time talking to me or show any interest in my life, I regard you as honourary kin. Because kin's the most important thing there is.

8. PETS:
CATS. There are 4 at my house right now. Blanche and Dart who I have had since...my...AS Levels maybe. Or A-Levels. Either way, they are over 4 years in my life. Dart is nicknamed the Buddha cat because she is a fatass. A fluffy fatass. Blanche generally sleeps with me which is nice, except for the white fur everywhere.
Then I adopted Dent about a year ago. She is still a yappy cat. Her kitten Wookie vanishes for periods but shows up every 2 weeks or so.

9. LIST THE 3-5 BIGGEST THINGS GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE:
1) MY FINAL YEAR OF MY DEGREE FUCK FUCK FUCK.
2) Dave and the assorted things that come with that
3) ....my housemates? there is no more creative thing that would normally be three ;_;

10. PARENTS:
Have two. Still married, 25 years next September. Not really at liberty to discuss my parents marriage

11. WHO ARE SOME OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS?:
I got my girls at home- Jenni, Jules, Libby and June. We get together and catch each other up on life and we entertain each other. In Leeds, I would count Dave as my friend? He fills a quota, I guess ;) My housemates are close to me but sometimes I feel very distanced from them, especially as I'm the only one not doing their degree and I spend a lot of my weekends at Dave's.

Online I've slipped away from a lot of people due to my laptop not working for a month and not being as present online because of work/uni/dave/exhaustion. This makes me sadface and I want to get back those friendships. because they mean a lot to me.

it was my birthday yesterday.

happy belated birthday to me

people wanting New Years letters! Leave addresses here (as i left my address book in leeds) and any particular topic you'd like me to ramble about.

anyone who hasn't requested a new years letter is also very free to do so :)

i hope the festive season is treating everyone well

♥

I have a confession to make. I had not listened to the entire "Who Killed Amanda Palmer" album despite my slightly unholy love for Amanda Palmer. Purely because I had not got all the tracks on the album. All this was solved just under a week ago and I am in love people *_* sparkly eyed, 'take me, do what you want, i am totally easy for you', heart beating just fast enough to make all the extremities tingle with life.

Currently, I'm listening to "Astronaut" which is where my subject line comes from. It's got Amanda Palmer throwing herself into her playing, thumping empassioned piano intro but filled with strings and every word she sings, you can feel her heart, hear her utter involvement with what she's singing.

Did I mention the album is produced by Ben Folds? 'Cause it is.

In non-music, flailing news, it is the last week of university! Huzzah! Except that for the first time in my uni career, I have actual work besides exam revision over the break. The work is two essays culminating in a decent 7000 words.

/o\

There may be mild worry about this especially as things in my life this past week have been more social in nature than academic. Which spells a day in the library for me tomorrow. Huzzah. Feel the enthusiasm there folks? That's because there isn't any. Well, there is a little bit. The library I study in is very very pretty *_* and I do enjoy being away from the distraction that is my room (Seriously, I live in this space, how do I always find so much to seque myself away from work? It is a skill folks.)

I have also been ponificating about my birthday. Because I am starting to get old. OLD, CHILDREN. I guess LJ is the wrong place to say that because most of my close LJ friends are older than me, ha ha ha. But, 23! Although, I am going to play the Blonde Redhead of the same name over the course of the year to remind me that the number 23 can be filled with awesome things. AWESOME THINGS DAMMIT!

Another call again for New Years Letters, my loves! Get in before my birthday ;)

Bed? I think so.

So, it's the beginning of December. I've been in Leeds for 93 days which seems like a stupidly short time when it's reduced to days. The State of the Union post is delayed once again because about 3 weeks ago my laptop shut itself off. It wasn't the first time it had done this but instead of coming back on when I tried about an hour later it has refused to show any signs of life.

I'm currently using my housemate's old laptop (love hannah ;_;) but it doesn't recognise my external harddrive when it's plugged in nor does it have the majority of my bookmarks saved to it. In other words, I'm making excuses for not being around.

Another reason for not being around yet again is due to final year. I'm not so much being raped by my degree as constantly being told "AGAINST THE WALL NOW" at multiple points over the last 10 or so weeks.

I'm doing okay though. I've just been going back over my few lj entries from the last year or so and realising just how things have changed for me.

. I'm with someone - granted, not officially but we are a couple regardless of titles. Sometimes we are practically in each others brains but we're doing okay for 7 months. It's the longest one man has been in my life. It's not easy - we both have talked about how it's not easy for us; he owns his own business and this is my final year of university but we do our best to make it work. And, in his own words about a month ago, he "wouldn't change a second of the last 6 months". He's been so good for me. Yes, it sucks having to fight to spend time with him but even if I head to his when he's working, I have nothing to do but work so I've been working far harder than I have done every other year I've been here at university.
. I'm off medications. Did I ever tell anyone that? I came off my medication sometime before Easter, as far as I can remember, because I wanted to try depression on my own terms and learn how to cope with myself when I am sad. And I've had a few patches. I was a ball of horrible venomous rage over the summer because I was working myself to death and I had a 'bad week' about two weeks ago where I had no desire to work, to eat, to get out of bed and I was just sad all the time. It's still lingering but I'm working hard to not let it cripple me.
. I'm actually working on my degree. Besides doing my core work, I'm reading beyond my module. I'm trying to make my brain better
. I don't have a job anymore. I quit Fab in April and got with Dave my last day. It's funny to say that because I was working last night to cover for everyone else but it's made life a little tougher regarding budgeting and in another way it's made things easier because I'm not stressing about working and losing my weekend because of late shifts.
. I'm not being creative. This is a minus for me but I haven't been overly creative in probably months. Tons of ideas for art bouncing around my head and the desire to flesh out characters and be more involved in online RPs but that's hard to do when you fight to spend time with someone and be a good housemate and not fail your degree.
. The end of that last point pretty much sums up my life actually. Being a housemate, being a partner, being a student.

Things aren't so bad. I'm still very hard on myself. I hate myself sometimes and god, I get so lonely other times and I feel like nobody cares about me. I need affection and to be reminded that people care about me except I can never ask for such things. And it's stupid and immature and a failing of mine. But maybe one day I'll be beyond it.

I was toying with the idea of New Years Letters. Would anyone be interested?

A slice of poetry as I fight for every word of my essay

"You gave me hyacinths first a year ago;
"They called me the hyacinth girl."
- Yet when we came back, late, from the Hyacinth garden,
Your arms full, and your hair wet, I could not
Speal, and my eyes failed, I was neither
Living nor dead, and I knew nothing,
Looking into the heart of light, the silence.
Öd' und leer das Meer.

This should be my long overdue State of the Union post but it's not. It should be me apologising for abandoning my journal updates. But it's not.

On the 19th of March 2006 I posted a journal entry about my neighbour Margaret dying. And she left behind her husband of 49 years, Bert.

Bert died last night.

This couple were like my adopted grandparents and after Margaret died I made some time for Bert, but the expanses of time between these visits grew wider and wider until I didn't see him at all this summer.

And on my list of things to do, "write a letter to Bert" has always been near the top of the list. I always thought I had more time. I had the time, Bert didn't. So I finally wrote my letter to him today, in the Brotherton library. I told him about my life these past few months and how I was always going to be sorry for not being better at keeping in and contact and how I was going to miss him. I will, because he was a good man and I always put off the little visits to him. I'll never have a chance to visit him again and I'll never receive another letter from him and he'll never wave to me from his window as I travel down my road.

I have my regrets now and there is nothing to be done. These are lessons that I needed to learn and that I wished I didn't have to.

I sent my letter to him. If all goes to plan, it will go in his casket with him and be cremated with him.

He's at peace now. He counted the days since Margaret died and now he doesn't have to anymore, he doesn't have to miss that vital part of himself.

I'll miss him. I probably always will. And I'll always regret the things I never did.

But that changes nothing. So let me say this. I love you. I miss you. I read your journal entries even if I don't reply and I wish you all health and wealth and happiness. You make me glad to know you. And I'll miss you if you ever leave

So i am shit at this blogging-keeping-people-up-to-date-with-my-lfie but i've been pretty dull for a while now and i feel like i've slipped away from people hence my lack of blogging because i feel people don't want to read it and blah blah blah spiral effect.

Also, another reason for the lack of blogging is that, for about 4 weeks now, my timetable has been:

10am - drag self out of bed
11am until 3pm - summer scheme (mum's offical charity!!) with autistic children. anywhere between 13 to 31 kids per day
3:20pm - arrive home, find work uniform
4pm until ~12am/1am - close shift at McDonalds
~2am/3am - finish buzzing from close and sleep
10am - drag self out of bed.

....and repeat. so, with the except for a 5 day excursion back to Leeds last week to see Dave (i am such a girl- there is a total entry about all this new couple like sort of being with someone milarky to be discussed), that is my life. And the non!summer scheme days, i.e. the weekend, there is a 8 hour McShift to be had and a nap afterwards usually. So, my free-time is pretty non-existent (hence writing this at 2:40am when i really should be trying to sleep)

But!!!! I quit McDonalds on Sunday. Yes, after 3 and 1/2 years (seriously, you get less time for murder), I decided I could not hack the job and the twatty staff and the consistent annoying customers and the lack of life and the lack of study time and the crippling conscientiousness that just constantly dicked me over during working and wanting to cry during/after/before shifts, I couldn't do it anymore. I have hated roughly 70-80% of the shifts I have worked since being back - that's not...it's not healthy, right?

So I quit. Two weeks notice and i will no longer be a McCorporate Slave. I feel like it should a huge thing as McDonalds was when I started to grow up. It was my first job, where i first obtained a real social life outside my schoolfriends, made me grow up, showed me what i could maybe do, gave me my first "boyfriend" -- it was a lot of firsts for me. And i still love a lot of people there. But....but. I don't feel anything at the minute. Strange, right?

A question now - leaping from topics like a mofo. I put photos of Leeds up on facebook some of which will be under the cut below but....Dave's ex-girlfriend, Steph (who i get on really well with and has always been nice to me but is still, y'know, Dave's ex-of-3-years) 'liked' this photo of us



....is it just me being a little strange but...i can't help but think that's a little weird, right? i mean, is it weird to 'like' a photo of your ex and the girl he's seeing obviously being sort of together? or is it just me?

more leeds photos beneath the cut - bunch of us went out to dress up for dave's business at our bar, so photos abounded. plus, one of the two of us. feel free to shy away from the saccarine sentiment.

( wholly interesting cut text about something very intellectual and possibly involving a pun )

in other words: i miss you, i love you, i read your entries but i understand if you just glance over mine now. but you're still in my thoughts more than you might think.

So, we as fandom have been having a sucky week. Panic has split into two halves, Ryan Ross has photos posted of him hanging with faux-hipster girls and lines of coke and people have been leaving bandom. It's wank and I feel really wierd as i flew over to London to see Panic a year and a day ago and now i won't see that band in that incarnation anymore. It's weird and working the close after hearing it with "We're So Starving" as an unwanted constant earworm was uncomfortable (oh how it's been so long, we're so sorry we've been gone....We're still the same band)

In other news though, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are just an adorable couple - they make my heart happy :)

I need Amanda Palmer icons, she is one of my idols, honest to god. I so am dying to get my hands on the "Big Book of Who Killed Amanda Palmer" dammit!

So to make myself feel better and because everything is made better by pictures of kittens, i would like to introduce you to the latest additions to the Denvir clan! The little ones are about 3 weeks old now and i am madly enamoured with them. After the funeral suck and work suck of last week, watching baby kittens stumble around getting used to walking and seeing made an awful lot of things better.

I also passed my year! Got my results for the year so i had a 48 and 50 on two modules that killed me during breakdowns, a 55 and 60 in first semester core modules and a 64 and a 68 in this semesters exams! A 68!! that's a mark away from a 1st!! So i'm gathering my reading for next year and have Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, D.H Lawrence, James Joyce and Bram Stoker all piled beside my bed at the bed. Lucky me!

Anyone got any questions for me?

( Kittens! Beware the cute )

Taken from BBC Northern Ireland website.

River Lagan death not suspicious



The death of man whose body was found in the River Lagan on the outskirts of south Belfast is not being treats as suspicious, police have said.

The man's body was found near the towpath at Drumbeg on Tuesday night.

Police and the Fire and Rescue Service were called after a member of the public reported seeing the body, which has been recovered from the water.

At the time police said they were investigating the circumstances surrounding his death.

i know this man. my dad knew him from when they were about 17. he drew up a birth chart and astronomy reading for me when i was 6 weeks old. and now he's gone. found out last night. phone call from one of his friends asking had he met up with dad at the jeff beck gig. he'd taken his bike but not his wallet or phone. dad caught his description in an earlier article on the website around 2am.

i have now witnessed my dad cry three times in my life.

i will never be good at goodbyes. not even temporary ones (two month temporary ones). he made me smile through my eyes leaking but that didn't stop them leaking. i hate this, hate that my eyes leak and i've never had someone i've said goodbyes to like this and it hurts, in the back of my throat and the bottom of my lungs and the surface of my eyes.

it's the summer, i always have to leave in the summer but this may be the first one i've wanted to stay somewhere that wasn't home.

i never want to be good at goodbyes.

and fuck you Zeppelin for having stupid semi-appropriate songs with semi-appropriate lyrics for me feeling like this

and fuck you iTunes for playing it

Obligatory LJ post to ell people that I'm not dead although I'm not exactly functioning on the higher levels due to post-exam slump. Seriously, pin me at fire bad, tree pretty level about now.

The exams are over, the module that caused an awful lot of the "someone kick me in the head now" and various freak out lj posts is over, I got my marks back and the essays came in at a 51 and 57 and the translation in at a 55 so I'm...not pleased, I guess. That'd mean I'd have to have had some stock in the module but I feel more at ease knowing that I haven't failed a university module.

Had a crappy couple of weeks spent fundamentally on my own, upset after exams and having to move and people not being around and not getting to spend time with Dave. That last one was pretty sucky and still is but we talked about it, so. It still sucks but I got out why it sucks and we're (re: I) am trying to be a little calmer and take all this as it comes. Because in about a week's time I'm going home to see my pregnant Libby-Lou (who should no longer be pregnant by that point, fuck fuck fuck!) and go back to McDonalds and get into the CAPAA summer scheme again and spend my summer running about like a crazy lady. But I also won't see most of the Leeds crew and Dave until September so. Plus points, minus points, take your corners.

What else do I have to say? Nothing of extreme importance although due to my own epic packing procastination there should theoretically be ARPG and ZQL posts spilling from me very soon. Because nothing says procastination better than spilling yourself into another world(s).

Final Animesoc meet-up of the year tonight, which I really should be leaving for now as I'm missing two hours of it to go cover a flyering shift. But it'll be good times, I think! Hopefully. If not, I will come home early and make lasagne in order to use up as much of the meat in my freezer before next Friday.

Boring!post is boring! I am sorry!

Although in other news, my bandombigbang art piece was posted on in the last two days and my recipient seems really happy with it and people have been saying nice things! ;___; it's enough to make a girl cry! (Other things that make me cry are the fact that half my inking pens all decided to give up the ghost in the middle in inking. Curse you Murphy!)

So, hi guys! How is everything going with you? How's the summer?

....so really, just how badly do i need to pass this module?

and how realistic is it that i'll write 2700 words in 13 hours?

and why don't i care?

i never even really wanted to do this module. gash.

So! Last night Dave and I went with Caroline (a girl who used to work with me in Fab and loves zombies as much as I do) to see one of the other doormen from Fab's band. So, those who were not working last night all came to the gig so I got to see my ex-managers and rock out.

Also, the band were supporting Zombina and the Skeletons who I was well fucking excited to see because they're just ace. Retro kitsch off-kilter bands! Who all dress like zombies! and are from Liverpool! And write songs about Zombies and Dr. No and being psychotic and werewolves and :))))))) mofette was extremely excited and busted some ace shapes on the floor! Including picking me up, swinging me towards her and then letting me go. That was unexpected! But awesome!

A good night was had! Even if Dave and I got the piss taken out of us because we were all ~kissy-face~ together. Which we were cool with and then Colette, my ex-boss and his current boss, came over to us and gestured at our faces and said "I like this. You kiss nice! And look happy and not like (affecting bored apathy) 'yeah whatever'. Also you look like you fuck good."

I'm pretty certain there is no polite response to that EVER so we just grinned and looked at each other and were like ":) yeah! true :))))"

....i am pathetic! When did this happen?! Why was i not informed? I swear I used to be cool about this sort of thing!!*

*lies. fucking lies. I've never had this sort of thing and god knows I've never been cool!

I am not usually one for all this 'awwww i am a girl and this is the boy i'm seeing' but, fuck it, self-indulgence is a little fun.

also, i am trying to do something so i can sleep. stupid 24 hour exam fucking up my timetables. Don't want to get up early in the morning. Do not like being a daywalker!!

( stupid kissy photo )

Yesterday: studying for the win listening to Death Cab For Cutie's Plans, this alt-mix CD i made about 2 years ago, Duke Special's Songs From The Deep Forest and Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux

First time I actually got to listen to the album due to me and Jenni being epic fail at getting our presents to each other at Christmas /o\ but we managed it at Easter....Win...?

I like the album - not quite as punk!punch as the other albums were but they're all grown up now so it's understandably with the change. My love for Fall Out Boy is deep and unironic - say what you will!

Anyway, good studying was good. Except for the fact that Romantic poetry requires a lot of concentration and I have never been fond of analysing the word choices and shit.

Today was epic fail for studying. Just...epic. I procastinated like a motherfucker doing everything from tidying drawers to cooking to doing loads of washing (only to discover broke washing machine BASTARD) to downloading soundtracks to watching another episode of Hana Yori Dango. It is stealing my SOUL, i swear to god.

So that is why I am reading Caleb Williams at 3am. It's not that bad just...so fucking dense. My notes in the book, however, are pretty hilarious if I do say so myself. I can never sell it :D

there is stuff to be said about my romantic life! in that, well, i have one! but it is late and I am fail-y and distracted...

...ohyeah and BandomBigBang art check-in tomorrow...um....:DDDDDDDDD?

Coming into exam period and so much to get done! Seemingly so little time to do it in! Curses!!

Also torn in my module choices: do i want to do a module on ~VAMPIRES~ or ~STORIES OF THE EYE: VISUAL AND LITERAL INTERPRETATION~. Stories of the eye has fucked up, sexually explicit books mocking the Catholic church and Dorian Gray and Poe and Nietzsche and Joyce....

But ~VAMPIRES~ has.... *~VAMPIRES~* and not the twilight kind!

oh the choices...

AND!! do i want to do Victorian Literature or Modern Literature. /o\

I DON'T KNOW. DO NOT WANT TO MAKE CHOICES! /o\