So, we as fandom have been having a sucky week. Panic has split into two halves, Ryan Ross has photos posted of him hanging with faux-hipster girls and lines of coke and people have been leaving bandom. It's wank and I feel really wierd as i flew over to London to see Panic a year and a day ago and now i won't see that band in that incarnation anymore. It's weird and working the close after hearing it with "We're So Starving" as an unwanted constant earworm was uncomfortable (oh how it's been so long, we're so sorry we've been gone....We're still the same band)

In other news though, Amanda Palmer and Neil Gaiman are just an adorable couple - they make my heart happy :)

I need Amanda Palmer icons, she is one of my idols, honest to god. I so am dying to get my hands on the "Big Book of Who Killed Amanda Palmer" dammit!

So to make myself feel better and because everything is made better by pictures of kittens, i would like to introduce you to the latest additions to the Denvir clan! The little ones are about 3 weeks old now and i am madly enamoured with them. After the funeral suck and work suck of last week, watching baby kittens stumble around getting used to walking and seeing made an awful lot of things better.

I also passed my year! Got my results for the year so i had a 48 and 50 on two modules that killed me during breakdowns, a 55 and 60 in first semester core modules and a 64 and a 68 in this semesters exams! A 68!! that's a mark away from a 1st!! So i'm gathering my reading for next year and have Thomas Hardy, Virginia Woolf, D.H Lawrence, James Joyce and Bram Stoker all piled beside my bed at the bed. Lucky me!

Anyone got any questions for me?

( Kittens! Beware the cute )

Taken from BBC Northern Ireland website.

River Lagan death not suspicious



The death of man whose body was found in the River Lagan on the outskirts of south Belfast is not being treats as suspicious, police have said.

The man's body was found near the towpath at Drumbeg on Tuesday night.

Police and the Fire and Rescue Service were called after a member of the public reported seeing the body, which has been recovered from the water.

At the time police said they were investigating the circumstances surrounding his death.

i know this man. my dad knew him from when they were about 17. he drew up a birth chart and astronomy reading for me when i was 6 weeks old. and now he's gone. found out last night. phone call from one of his friends asking had he met up with dad at the jeff beck gig. he'd taken his bike but not his wallet or phone. dad caught his description in an earlier article on the website around 2am.

i have now witnessed my dad cry three times in my life.

i will never be good at goodbyes. not even temporary ones (two month temporary ones). he made me smile through my eyes leaking but that didn't stop them leaking. i hate this, hate that my eyes leak and i've never had someone i've said goodbyes to like this and it hurts, in the back of my throat and the bottom of my lungs and the surface of my eyes.

it's the summer, i always have to leave in the summer but this may be the first one i've wanted to stay somewhere that wasn't home.

i never want to be good at goodbyes.

and fuck you Zeppelin for having stupid semi-appropriate songs with semi-appropriate lyrics for me feeling like this

and fuck you iTunes for playing it

Obligatory LJ post to ell people that I'm not dead although I'm not exactly functioning on the higher levels due to post-exam slump. Seriously, pin me at fire bad, tree pretty level about now.

The exams are over, the module that caused an awful lot of the "someone kick me in the head now" and various freak out lj posts is over, I got my marks back and the essays came in at a 51 and 57 and the translation in at a 55 so I'm...not pleased, I guess. That'd mean I'd have to have had some stock in the module but I feel more at ease knowing that I haven't failed a university module.

Had a crappy couple of weeks spent fundamentally on my own, upset after exams and having to move and people not being around and not getting to spend time with Dave. That last one was pretty sucky and still is but we talked about it, so. It still sucks but I got out why it sucks and we're (re: I) am trying to be a little calmer and take all this as it comes. Because in about a week's time I'm going home to see my pregnant Libby-Lou (who should no longer be pregnant by that point, fuck fuck fuck!) and go back to McDonalds and get into the CAPAA summer scheme again and spend my summer running about like a crazy lady. But I also won't see most of the Leeds crew and Dave until September so. Plus points, minus points, take your corners.

What else do I have to say? Nothing of extreme importance although due to my own epic packing procastination there should theoretically be ARPG and ZQL posts spilling from me very soon. Because nothing says procastination better than spilling yourself into another world(s).

Final Animesoc meet-up of the year tonight, which I really should be leaving for now as I'm missing two hours of it to go cover a flyering shift. But it'll be good times, I think! Hopefully. If not, I will come home early and make lasagne in order to use up as much of the meat in my freezer before next Friday.

Boring!post is boring! I am sorry!

Although in other news, my bandombigbang art piece was posted on in the last two days and my recipient seems really happy with it and people have been saying nice things! ;___; it's enough to make a girl cry! (Other things that make me cry are the fact that half my inking pens all decided to give up the ghost in the middle in inking. Curse you Murphy!)

So, hi guys! How is everything going with you? How's the summer?

....so really, just how badly do i need to pass this module?

and how realistic is it that i'll write 2700 words in 13 hours?

and why don't i care?

i never even really wanted to do this module. gash.

So! Last night Dave and I went with Caroline (a girl who used to work with me in Fab and loves zombies as much as I do) to see one of the other doormen from Fab's band. So, those who were not working last night all came to the gig so I got to see my ex-managers and rock out.

Also, the band were supporting Zombina and the Skeletons who I was well fucking excited to see because they're just ace. Retro kitsch off-kilter bands! Who all dress like zombies! and are from Liverpool! And write songs about Zombies and Dr. No and being psychotic and werewolves and :))))))) mofette was extremely excited and busted some ace shapes on the floor! Including picking me up, swinging me towards her and then letting me go. That was unexpected! But awesome!

A good night was had! Even if Dave and I got the piss taken out of us because we were all ~kissy-face~ together. Which we were cool with and then Colette, my ex-boss and his current boss, came over to us and gestured at our faces and said "I like this. You kiss nice! And look happy and not like (affecting bored apathy) 'yeah whatever'. Also you look like you fuck good."

I'm pretty certain there is no polite response to that EVER so we just grinned and looked at each other and were like ":) yeah! true :))))"

....i am pathetic! When did this happen?! Why was i not informed? I swear I used to be cool about this sort of thing!!*

*lies. fucking lies. I've never had this sort of thing and god knows I've never been cool!

I am not usually one for all this 'awwww i am a girl and this is the boy i'm seeing' but, fuck it, self-indulgence is a little fun.

also, i am trying to do something so i can sleep. stupid 24 hour exam fucking up my timetables. Don't want to get up early in the morning. Do not like being a daywalker!!

( stupid kissy photo )

Yesterday: studying for the win listening to Death Cab For Cutie's Plans, this alt-mix CD i made about 2 years ago, Duke Special's Songs From The Deep Forest and Fall Out Boy's Folie A Deux

First time I actually got to listen to the album due to me and Jenni being epic fail at getting our presents to each other at Christmas /o\ but we managed it at Easter....Win...?

I like the album - not quite as punk!punch as the other albums were but they're all grown up now so it's understandably with the change. My love for Fall Out Boy is deep and unironic - say what you will!

Anyway, good studying was good. Except for the fact that Romantic poetry requires a lot of concentration and I have never been fond of analysing the word choices and shit.

Today was epic fail for studying. Just...epic. I procastinated like a motherfucker doing everything from tidying drawers to cooking to doing loads of washing (only to discover broke washing machine BASTARD) to downloading soundtracks to watching another episode of Hana Yori Dango. It is stealing my SOUL, i swear to god.

So that is why I am reading Caleb Williams at 3am. It's not that bad just...so fucking dense. My notes in the book, however, are pretty hilarious if I do say so myself. I can never sell it :D

there is stuff to be said about my romantic life! in that, well, i have one! but it is late and I am fail-y and distracted...

...ohyeah and BandomBigBang art check-in tomorrow...um....:DDDDDDDDD?

Coming into exam period and so much to get done! Seemingly so little time to do it in! Curses!!

Also torn in my module choices: do i want to do a module on ~VAMPIRES~ or ~STORIES OF THE EYE: VISUAL AND LITERAL INTERPRETATION~. Stories of the eye has fucked up, sexually explicit books mocking the Catholic church and Dorian Gray and Poe and Nietzsche and Joyce....

But ~VAMPIRES~ has.... *~VAMPIRES~* and not the twilight kind!

oh the choices...

AND!! do i want to do Victorian Literature or Modern Literature. /o\

I DON'T KNOW. DO NOT WANT TO MAKE CHOICES! /o\

It's stupid - it's idiotic for a fic to get me this introspective and to feel this ache, a genuine every-cell-in-your-chest-cavity--is-cramping ache but it's a good thing. Introspection is something I lack except for little moments of wisdom - tiny pearls choking me before falling from my lips - and late nights with too much time spent alone. Like now, I guess.

I spend half my life caught between two distant thrummings of emotion: young and eternal and fuck this, i have forever; needing nothing more than smiles and laughter and stupid moments at 3am where nothing makes sense but something lock-clicks in your chest and time is not a concept at all, it's a thing, a rock wall against which the waves of happiness break and scatter before forming all over again.

The other is this thrum beneath my skin and bones and nerves, where i imagine the soul lays, jittering and shaking and anxious, too-fast breathing and hyper-aware of thhe world, that i may not get chances like this again and wanting to do something. Maybe not amazing or world-changing or even remotely life-changing but moments that will shine brightly for a few years or that will become ensnarled in the web of old memories when i get older until something shines a light upon it and it will no longer glisten like it did, but merely pulsate with an inner glow of something that i cannot recreate or recall anymore. The feeling of the entire world changing and the stupid Sublime terror and beauty of that moment.

The need to be with someone; to fuck, to argue, to scream at, to laugh at, to brush the hair from your eyes, to text you at random intervals in your boring day and turn the ventricles in your heart separate and bleed sunlight and giggling, ridiculous joy into your chest, to cause you to clench your fists and roll your eyes and repeat the same stupid cliches your parents utter about the young/the opposite sex/best friends/enemies/society.

There is no reconcilling this. Song writers will always sing about these two contrary states. Writers will always tie the concepts and use them, place the heart of the idea beneath the words on the page. People will know the ideas but will never acknowledge them consciously but they will always be there, like a song on a radio just a little too faraway to make out anything more than the fact there is a melody playing.

I am terrified. I will lose people in my life due to my own faults, due to theirs, due to life tearing us apart. Or I will lose them because life changes us, one by one the seasons change you as The Acorn puts it, or because life leaves us.

So I am sitting here, trembling, knowing that there are moments like this coming the rest of my life, that one day someone else will live in this room and it will never be the same and in some other life I will never think back to this place, this time again.

I don't make promises to anyone now. This is not a moment of self-actualisation and change. I will let you down. I will forget the important things I should remember. I will be cruel. I may vanish and not think of you and blithely do things that you think I should not.

I won't be sorry because I won't realise what.

I won't swear to be kind because it is more than likely that this moment, the throb, will vanish from my veins sometime soon and my good intentions will fade.

I cannot cut my brain from skull and these ideas and memories and half-formed notions of love I have for you or the little sparks that crackle with overwhelming happiness at the fact that you - you - are in the world cannot be extracted in order to for me to show you them.

But there will be moments that I'll never tell you about - moments where I will be still and think of you and the world will blossom with the possibilty of things I could do for you or for those you love. And maybe in some other life I will have done them.

( An extract - the part of the fic, the words that provoked this and broke my heart. )

~Sumusu~! ;___;

~~Tsukasa~~!! ;_____;

oh Hana Yori Dango what are you doing to me?! ;_______:

I feel like I have an awful lot to say about a number of issues that are pressing on me right now but I'm going to put this forward for your consideration until I've worked out the knots of my thoughts into a presentable weave.

Dissertation proposal! as;lkdf;sdlkflsdkfds/o\

Behold the outline of the topic, coupled with the tentative title The Times, They Are A-Changing: Society, Superheroes and Change in Graphic Fiction:

As children, we all grow up with some notion of superheroes – special people with extraordinary powers that regularly save the world from evil and have exciting lives and that we idolise. They are the first people we admire, these people who protect us from the world. Yet over the last twenty years, our culture has changed.

Society has gone thrown societal uprisings, wars, economical recessions, political scandals, and the rise of ‘celebrity culture’, international terrorism, natural catastrophes and acts of scientific progress.

We have watched as laws on relationships and human rights change the world, as topics such as immigration, homosexual marriages and social identity versus cultural identity become debates of everyday life.

As is to be expected, reading habits over this period have also changed leading to an uprising of graphic fiction becoming more socially accepted and integrated into a wider mainstream literary culture. The questions raised by this are endless: Why has this change come about? What have comic books offered readers that has initiated this new kind of reading behaviour? What commentary have the writers of these comics offered us on the world we live in (or the world they perceive we now live in)? Perhaps most importantly, what has happened to our superheroes?




in other news: why am i still awake at 7am?

[edit] re-edited the beginning

Been texting tonight and talking about LA. Went back through my Travels photos folder on my harddrive and felt my heart throb against the ribcage.

I miss you all so much

<i>and the whole mess of roads we're now on

GERARD WAY ♥_______♥



oh my god, you and YOUR FACE! *_______________*

darth_zal tagged me and I could never turn down anything she asks of me...

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.


1. Make a list of things you can see without getting up.
A map of the world which I marked with my world trip, a tv, fabric poi hanging on the back of my door, saiyuki calendar prints, my World Trip travel box, my beautiful camera, Cambodian Prayer flags and a huge fake purple lily.

2. How do you style your hair?
Depends on how lazy I'm feeling. Before I got it cut on Thursday, I would put it in pigtails or a little tiny ponytail for work or leave it all curly if it dried nicely.

3. What are you wearing right now?
A white t-shirt with a beautiful print: black twists and flowers and swirls with blue line-art birds and pink ropethreads and a shredded back, a black knee-length pokadot skirt i bought in a 380Y store in Japan and black underwear. And my watch, a black spiked braclet, tiny converse earrings, a 3 jewelled ring and my piercing jewelry

4. What kind of job would you never work?
....i'm not sure. I've done McDonalds and bar work...what else could I not really cope with? OH! Accident clean-up crews. I'd just get too upset or too fascinated I think.

5. Do you nap a lot?
Sometimes. If I'm in a period where I'm exhausted a lot (which is pretty regular) I tend to if I have the time, even though it screws my sleep pattern.

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
My mum about 10 minutes ago after I left the living room to go to bed, ha ha ha!

7. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
Comics, tea, zombies, bandom.

8. What was the last thing you ate today?
A Flake Praline....although there is an easter egg taunting me on my desk....

9. Which is your favourite genocide?
...The Troubles! 'Sup Nireland, represent

10. What websites do you always watch when you get online?
Twitter, Deviantart, Hotmail, Livejournal, Kittencam and Yahoo. Recently, mysoju.com is also in there

11. What was the last thing you bought?
Um...presents for my dad's birthday? And some cheap rose-fairy lights, Snakes On A Plane and Zoolander. The last three came to 5 pounds. \o/

12. What are you doing right now?
Buffering Hana Yori Dango 2, eyeing my easter egg, grinning like an idiot at Patrick Stumph's voice coming through my speakers and attempting to design a watermark for my photography.

13. What do you think about when you go to bed at night?
What I've got to do tomorrow or what I failed to do that day if it's been an average day. Picking at my fuckups if it's a bad day. Or plotting creative things that i'll forget about if it's been a good day.

14. What is your favourite food?
I don't actually know! Love me some Japanese but I also love my mum's egg and chips. OM NOM NOM NOM

15. Do you collect anything?
Comics - the Umbrella Academy is my priority. Manga. Gaiman books....books in general. Stationary//art supplies. HATS AND SOCKS. Trufax

16. Which Hogwarts house would you be in? Why?
Gryffindor. Because I am stupidly strong-headed and a Defender of the Weak, yo!

17. How are you?
Not so bad! A little stressy but that's consistent and wishing i wasn't so tired so I could do more creative things but!

18. What are you currently reading?
...technically, I am trying to read "Moll Flanders" but I'm not really reading it. I am about to pick up from books from my bookshelf now though.

19. Say something about the person who tagged?
She is like a reverse-eclipse. Whenever she's around, she makes my entire world stop and blinds me. Besides being ridiculously good-looking and stupidly talented and someone who has been around me for over 10 years, she makes my heart sing and puts a stupid smile on my face ♥

TAG, you're it!:
mikantea
blondiusmaximus
sacchifox
waxrose
whitehaiku
sekkritbandomlj

Hana Yori Dango ♥ ♥ ♥

in other news:

mass in two hours. oh catholicism. wish i had brought Dogma home with me to watch

what the fuck is this? Good Friday and now I feel like I'm carrying the guilt of the entirity of Catholic (n)Ireland in my chest?

i just wanted to do my degree - what is wrong with me? fuck i can't do this anymore

don't wanna drop out, can't make myself work. fuck. when did i become such a stupid fuck-up?

having breakfast with my girls today made me realise something too. 4 of us: one engaged, one pregnant, one graduating. what the fuck do i contribute? what the fuck am i doing with my fucking stupid life?

Properly started watching Hana Yori Dango, finally. Up to episode 5 now just today but my internet is spazzing out at me because it was not built for hardcore streaming. Also, discovered that mysoju.com has the Arashi movie Yellow Tears but it is not letting me watch it. I make this face :(((((((((((((((

Of course I am doing all this instead of catching up on the 7 novels/plays I should have read for uni already and my note-writeups. Fail Kat is fail.

I am home! In case I forgot to mention. I have returned to the Nireland for Easter as it's my dad's birthday this sunday and it's also probably the last time I'll get to see Libby before she has her baby.

HER BABY. That will never stop being weird.

Gonna get my hair redone tomorrow as it is a awful drab form of ginger. Want to get my hair done like Audrey Kitchings from about a year back. Probably awful idea but it won't be pink. Pictures - do/do not want?

Drive-by pimping of icarusishappy which will be where I will post/cross-post my artwork and fic and photography and dubious work makeup when I manage it.

Rehaul of icons now. Cleaning everything out, maybe i'll feel like a new person after

Just finished writing up notes about S.T. Coleridge and his friendship/lifelong partnership with Wordsworth and I stopped in the middle of writing notes because it was just sounding like Pete/Patrick to me. Or Pete/Mikey or Pete/Ryan at some points.

And now I want to write the fic. Because, oh my god, it is just...it's them. They bought houses beside each other and lived there their entire lives and would go for walks in the country discussing ideas for hours and had fights constantly but always resolved them and as;dka;dkasda THEIR RELATIONSHIP! And Coleridge (who is Pete) was ~tortured~ and ~talented~ and constantly singing the praises of Wordsworth as an artist and ~go into lots of trouble regarding the Revolution~ (the French one that is).

Here, have some snippets from my Coleridge notes:

"the collaberative effort between these two, of their different temperments and the works that were produced through the fusion of both their world views and styles changed poetry."

"Coleridge believed Wordsworth had the ability to produce a philosophical poem that would "discover truth by intuition" and this troubled Wordsworth. The pressure of this task ended up in him writing 'The Prelude' which acted like a conversation between the two across their lives until 1850 when Wordsworth died (Coleridge had died 15 years previous)"

"Wordsworth was a Child of the Enlightenment with a lingering rationale and materialistic streak whereas Coleridge was fraught, inspired by the Gothic with a focus on the supernatural and the spirit that was beyond Nature. He was a phenominal conversationalist. When speaking upon topics Hazlitt remarked it was like "he could glide along ice" or that he "floated on air".

"Whereas Wordsworth was antropological and Enlightened, Coleridge was cursed and focused on the world beyond....[regarding the similarities in 'Lyrical Ballads'] even though the tones were wholly different, both utilised the same key themes; the dangers of cutting oneself off from nature, the imprisonment of self and the dangers of unsocialabilty, as well as warnings about loneliness and the sins of Pride."

sdfsk;dlfks;flksd; SEE???

Is 'converting' to Atheism really the right term? Writing some notes and it just...feels like it doesn't fit properly into the line.

Updating icarusishappy in between lectures write ups with old fic from here so apologises for the raping of f-lists probably going on.